Blueberry- an abortion baby
Poem shared o social media by a woman after her abortion:
This beautiful mum asked to remain anonymous, but was open to sharing her experience by text with permission for me to read aloud in audio.
What was your age and reason for abortion?
I am 25 years old. My reason for an abortion is one that could be extremely difficult for people to fully understand. Since I was 16 I knew I wanted to be a mother. It was all I ever wanted. Each year on my birthday I would blow out my candles and wish to be given a baby. I lost count how much money I spent throwing coins into fountains wishing to be pregnant. I tried to conceive with two separate partners in two separate relationships. I was in the right circumstances, lived with each of the partners and felt ready to conceive but it just never happened. These relationships ended over time not just because of the lack of conception but it was definitely a big factor. As I have Polycystic ovarian syndrome I knew that conceiving naturally could be an issue. And it seemed to be for me something I thought was just never going to happen. At 25 I met a wonderful man and started a relationship with him. The only difference was I live in the U.K. and he lives in the U.S.A it started slowly where we were just talking then meet ups started and then love very quickly blossomed. On my last visit with him in early December I travelled back home to the U.K. feeling normal and by Christmas I felt very ill. My period was a little late but that was nothing unusual for me. On Boxing Day I remember thinking I know it will be negative but let’s just do a pregnancy test to rule it out. I had hoped and prayed to see a positive test for as long as I can remember but when I was actually faced with one I was horrified! After all that time of being in a good place why now when my boyfriend lived in a completely different country! I didn’t want to do this alone. I had finally met the love of my life and being with him was going to be hard enough as it was but then bringing a baby into it. I live alone. Work all the hours under the sun to afford to do so. I had never even thought of abortion until I actually fell pregnant circumstances that just weren’t right. I was so angry at the world. I still am.
How did you know you were making the right choice?
Personally I’m not sure anyone considering or going through abortion knows 100% that it is the right choice. I know that for me I certainly went back and forth a lot about my choices. But inevitably I knew I didn’t want to bring a child into the world who possibly wouldn’t know their father and not because their father was a bad man in fact quite the contrary he is a wonderful man and a fantastic father to 5 already! But simply because I fell in love with someone who lives in a different country. My only hope now is that I am able to move out there and be with him and we can try the pregnancy thing again under better circumstances. My wish now is that my baby unborn will forgive me and return to me.
Do you remember when you decided to start talking to your baby the way you do in your beautiful poem?
I do remember it was the day after I got my positive pregnancy test. I would sit in the bath cradling my stomach listening to Mother’s Prayer- Celine Dion. In the last 3 weeks of my pregnancy before the abortion I was extremely ill. Throwing up a lot and just had pure nausea 99.9% of the time. I remember thinking I want this to be over and done with! Yet I would lie in bed and sing to my baby. Tell it I loved it and cry saying sorry over and over again.
How has that been healing for you?
The poem for me was a huge step because it was the first step of moving forwards for me. I had been avoiding dealing with the loss. I still am to a certain extent. But the poem really helped to let out some of those emotions. I think because I was unable to talk to my baby any more I felt that writing it down was my own way of communicating with them.
Would you recommend other parents find ways to connect with their babies like this?
I would definitely recommend getting all of your emotions out on paper. I find it extremely difficult to vocalize my thoughts and feelings towards my abortion but I am able to write and let me emotions out that way. It has been a huge help in the healing process for me. I am also so glad that I decided to share it with others. To get such positive feedback and to hear that it has helped others makes me feel even more positive.