Mothering a Daughter Through Abortion
This week’s guest is Virginie Loÿ. Her curriculum and past experience as a trained volunteer on a helpline for women victim of domestic abuse drove her to search for new ways to support them. At the time, she redacted a blog on the subject. That was turned into a book, published by the largest French non-fiction publisher. This experience led her to digging deep into coaching on problematic, or even toxic and abusive, relationships (both family or workplace).
Visit her website at: https://virginieloy.coach/french-life-coach/
Show Notes:
3:00 How do we show up as mothers for our daughters to create a narrative that serves them?
4:04 Virginie’s introduction coach and mother, Catholic conservative background
7:08 “I will never kick a child out of my family”
7:38 “Who do I want to be?” when challenged by my children
8:40 “plant the seeds of trust and love early on”
10:06 How can we plant seeds in the best interest of blooming”
11:35 “I encourages them to choose their way to love”
12:11 “Ask children what they think so that I understand their world, and can adjust”
12:56 Supporting children’s friends through abortion
14:49 “It’s important that we can talk about it openly… if it happens it can happen more lovingly and more safely”
16:28 “My love is unconditional, but it can be tough… I will always love you, but it doesn’t mean I will be happy for everything that you do.”
18:08 Sometimes love looks hard
18:50 Virginie’s mother-daughter abortion story “Mum, I’m pregnant”
21:07 “I had to manage my emotions”
21:15 “What do you need now?”- I realize that I can get it wrong if I don’t ask
22:38 “She knew there and then ‘this is not a child I want’”
23:08 “What do I want for my life? What are children in a woman’s life?”
23:37 “She knew, “this is not the way… this is not part of something wanted”
24:08 “I did not question her decision”
24:32 “I have no opinion about what you should do... it’s not my life”
25:35 “She didn’t have to hide or explain”
26:00 “I can allow the story to be without judging the story”
27:00 Setting clear boundaries and preferences to keep everything open
27:32 “I taught them from a young age to evaluate what they really need, and ask for it”
28:49 What Virginie’s daughter found the hardest- knowing what to say to her dad
29:43 “You don’t have to decide now”
30:22 “Not everything has to be decided in urgency”
31:10 “Is this going to help me now or is this going to hinder”
33:20 “being open to being wrong… opening the door for them to prove you wrong”
34:42 “being committed to not letting relationship slip away because of little things that are not said”
35:49 Container of safe space
37:03 “I signed up for all of it”
37:19 “I cannot know what will be, but I can build the trust that I can handle everything.”... “I’m thriving”
38:22 “This is not a girls issue only”
42:35 “I do not know what is best for my children”
43:02 “I’m not the one they are supposed to please with their lives.”
43:28 “You do what your heart brings you to do; you don’t have to prove yourself to me”
44:54 Blogpost (written in French)- Gratitude and thanks from children
47:47 Should you tell other people?
48:28 “Avoid the trap of all or nothing thoughts”
49:42 “Time helps us to find other ways to see things… other ways to approach things we hadn’t considered”
51:09 “Little by little it changed because both of us changed”
51:57 “Don’t look for the hard way. Look for the easy loving way for yourself first.”
52:31 Allow things to change
54:18 “Know why you want to tell”... what’s the motivation behind the telling?
55:09 Useful questions:
- Why do you think you have to tell this person ?- Why do you think you want to tell this person ?
- Why do youthink you don’t have to tell this person ?
- Why do you think you don’t want to tell this person ?
- Is this going to help you or to hinder you right now ?
- What are you looking for in telling ? -> validation ? approval ? understanding ? support ? connection ? …
- Do you think you can be accepted without receiving this ? = without being validated, approved of, understood, supported, etc
- In return, can you accept the other without understanding or validating their opinion or behaviour ?
