The post:
One could argue that we’re never alone when we make decisions in our lives. We’re influenced by the voices of family, friends, peers, media, God, and more. At any given moment we can seek support and guidance as we navigate the many choices of our lives.
Some decisions come easy; they are led by intuition, principle, logic… Others come with strife. For many the choice to abort is conflicted. Even when we know it’s in the best interest of everyone involved, there are layers of story woven into our decision. Some of the factors at play are obvious, others are quieter and can sneak up on us without suspect.
I’ve made a lot of decisions in my 40 years. Many of those have been made with my husband, but none was as weighted as my decision to abort. I knew what I had to do for me, but I also knew that the baby I held wasn’t only mine. Among others she held connection to her father, and to her siblings. In the belief system I carried she chose to come here, it didn’t feel clear to me at the beginning why, but she was here none the less, and my decision was a powerful one for her and for all of us.
Not all women tell the father of their pregnancy, but in our case it was a decision we both weighed in on. Ultimately it was my body my choice, but the consequences would have ripple effects that I did not take lightly. There were times when I wanted someone else to decide. I wanted so badly to pass the torch and stand in anyone’s shoes but my own.
It wasn’t the decision that scared me, it was the unknown.
“What if I made a decision I’d regret?”
“What if it broke me down?”
“What if I was missing something?”
I kept telling myself. “This is my decision; I have to decide.” and immediately I’d hear my brain reply, “but I don’t want to.”
Along the way I learned that I can do hard things. I figured out that no matter what the consequences of my decisions were, I could choose to believe I was strong enough and smart enough to handle them, or I could accept defeat and choose to be a victim of my life. Strong and smart felt a whole lot better, and strong and smart are what led me here.
We all get to believe whatever we want to believe at any moment in our lives. Our entire worlds are comprised of the stories we tell ourselves. For far too many years women have been telling themselves that they need help making decisions. The result of that is that we then don’t take ownership of the consequences of those decisions. Without ownership we give away our confidence.
I knew that regardless of how much I respected and loved the people around me, the only way I was going to get through and heal after an abortion was if I decided that no matter what, I was fully responsible for my decision.
